The last couple of days have felt a bit…. weird. Its hard to explain. Its been like watching a big black thunder cloud on the horizon creep ever closer to you. You know theoretically that sooner or later you will get soaked but the cloud never seems actually to arrive. It just sits there.
Or, to use the old adage, its like watching a pan full of water on the cooker, waiting for it to even show signs that it will boil eventually, and knowing that as soon as you turn your back it will boil over.
Its as if I am waiting for something that’s currently undefined, but in my waiting I am unable to define it fully. As if, by definition, it defies definition.
Now I know that my wait could just be the anticipation of Christmas. With all my thoughts of advent that is entirely plausible. I am especially anticipating eating meat again after an advent of being vegetarian. But somehow whatever it is that’s on my horizon feels bleaker or more negative. It could be my feelings towards my SAD – I know its on the horizon but as long as I watch it, it won’t come any closer. It could even be related to our younger son’s anticipated departure for university next year, I don’t know.
I will keep waiting. I cannot do anything else. I will keep watching, and guarding my own health. I will keep dreaming of the future, for dreams are something I have always had and probably always will.
I am sure that this weird feeling will pass. I have felt it before and its always gone away. But for the moment I feel weird. Its part anticipation, part dread, part excitement, and partly undefineable. I don’t even know if its ‘good’ weird or ‘bad’ weird. Time will tell.